Grumbles from an alien ...12

It’s not as if I wasn’t trained to do this. I came all the way here – I had to, things were getting boring and pointless back home and I saw the announcement flash up in my inner screen.
Required – planetary research assistant – empathise interest on the symbol here - 

This one of your Wingding things – the nearest symbol I can find on one of your PCMACLinux boxes. (Why don’t you just mind mail each other?). I’ve been here so long now I twitch when I see a filing cabinet.[  ]
Inner screen? A bit like one of you Earth folk’s imagination or daydream – like you imagine you are on a holiday island with someone you fancy or driving a Formula 1 car or something like that. We use that to communicate – like an inside-your-head Google.

Assistant? My supervisor will be on hand, nearby, should you need him, they said. Pah! She was on Alpha Centauri somewhere. Well not on Alpha Centauri itself but on some planet nearby. What do you mean there are no habitable planets there! How the F&** do you know Mr and Mrs Clever Dickey?
Anyway it all means I get a visit to a strange planet – believe me, you are, and have access to money, a spaceship I can shuttle about your Solar System with, even escape to Alpha Centauri if I freeze myself into the same awful cylinder I came in.

I’ve picked up a few things now, enough to know you are so weird you speak in clichés and live in the past. Your cliché for me is of a spy, parachuted in behind enemy lines but with no local support resistance activists on hand. Thrown onto my own resources of cunning; trained adaptation with a few tech tricks and innate abilities thrown in for good measure.

Do I go around killing people? No, why should I? I can defend myself quite adequately. You people dread humiliation far more than death.

Is it easy to burrow one’s way into the fabric of 21st Century society? (21C from now on if you don’t mind.)

Yes. You are such a self obsessed bunch of cretins I could dress up as a mad wizard with flaming hair and I would just be laughed at as eccentric. I hear that trick works better in the 500 years ago shift but that anal twatt Zedthing would never do it. Hes not really Zed thing but it’ll do. This is UK 21C and show me a Brit with the slightest interest in learning even a European language. Even the Yanks would sooner learn Klingon.

Anyway, I’m a bit bored now. I’ve found a medium of communication, safe enough to say I am not changing history; interfering with your natural progress and so on. I doubt any of you will read it. Well nobody with any credibility that they want to retain… Omi